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Responding to the Challenge of Loving by Janet Boldizar and Kenneth Wilson,
Affiliates of The Stelle Group We have
been to many professional conferences—sociology conferences for Ken and
psychology conferences for Janet. But never has a conference stirred our
imaginations and anticipation as did the announcement for The Stelle Group’s
1986 Spring Conference on The Challenge of Loving. Richard Kieninger
introduced the conference by offering a distinction between sexual love,
romantic love, and mature love. The latter refers to being genuinely
committed to the psychological and spiritual growth of another person. Mature
love is not a feeling for the other, although it can give rise to feelings.
This concept of mature love is forcing me (Ken) to reassess my relationships.
It would be fair to say that with the exception of Janet, my long-term
relationships with either sex have been based on meeting each other’s needs. One of
our more important shortcomings (or rather, loving challenges), though, is
the difficulty we have with loving ourselves. We’ve been aware of this for
sane time and have been making some progress by taking pride in our
commitment to our character development. We thought that constituted loving
ourselves. But during the second speaker’s presentation, Dr. Arnold Mech’s
discussion of the development of the loving self, we were in for another
conceptual upheaval. Dr. Mech
stated that before one can love another, one must love oneself. Okay, we were
ready for that. But then he hit us with his hay-maker—before one can love one’s future self, that is, the self you hope
to become, you must love your present self, i.e., the self that you already
are. He revealed that our commitment to our growth could be just another form
of attempting to be and to love something that we are not. We were thus
confronted with a paradox, needing to love our present selves, but having
difficulty seeing the things that are lovable about the way we are. The
resolution hasn’t come yet, but we’re beginning to see the way. We are not
static beings but processes. The future self that we see ahead of us will one
day be a present self. We’re working hard to get there, and that’s worth
loving. MATURE LOVE REFERS TO BEING GENUINELY COMMITTED TO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND SPIRITUAL GROWTH OF ANOTHER PERSON. For me (Janet), understanding this
process of learning to love ourselves is closely linked to the messages John
Rierson was conveying in his presentation about how to keep in touch with our
loving selves. As he and Richard pointed out, feelings of fear and anger can
completely block our ability to access the divine love that should flow
naturally through all of us. Through his years of commitment to developing an
awareness of the subtle, yet precisely-integrated interactions between the
mind and the body (especially in his Radix work), John developed and shared
with us several exercises designed to help us enhance our awareness of these
processes. For me, the crucial element in all of those exercises and
observations was the fact that it is impossible to develop these awarenesses
and harness your own loving creative energies until you can stop dead in your
tracks and focus on where you are now
(not tomorrow, last week, or next year). The
beauty of these new concepts has profoundly increased the joy that I have
been able to experience in many of my daily social interactions. The impact
of the idea (from Richard’s last presentation) that love must flow through us
toward others in our environment has made previously stressful situations
more harmonious and loving. I used to expect to experience love when others
acted in loving ways toward me. This misunderstanding led me to feel anxious
or angry whenever anyone projected a critical or threatening attitude toward
me. Because these negative emotions blocked my ability to access my own
loving self, I often came home from teaching school or from meeting with my
thesis committee at the university feeling emotionally depleted and totally
unlovable. Since the
conference, however, my conscious effort to feel mature loving thoughts
toward each person I interact with has produced real results. Not only have I
experienced more joyful and honest relationships with others, but the
increase in my mental and emotional energy has resulted in one of my most
productive and satisfying “work” weeks. Although I recognize that the depth
of this new realization will take years to probe and incorporate, I feel a
deep sense of gratitude and reverence for all of those persons who worked so
hard to share with us this gift of love. We have
many more thoughts we could share, but I (Ken) will close with one last
observation. In the final session, Richard discussed the typical progress of
a couple’s relationship. It begins with sexual love and moves quickly to
romantic love. But romantic love inevitably fades, and then it is up to the
couple whether or not they will continue to love. If they choose to continue
their love, then they must graduate to mature love. This
process speaks deeply of the human condition and of personal responsibility
for development. We take part in a natural rhythm when we engage in
relationships. The rhythm moves from unaware attachment and immersion into
another’s personality to awareness and separation. Sexual and romantic love
are compelling and, to a large extent, involuntary. When these two types of
love fade, which they do, according to Richard, within 30 months, our unique,
individual awarenesses re-emerge and leave us free again. Freedom in this
case means that from then on we have the capability of making reasoned
choices free of the compelling, involuntary nature of sexual love and
romantic love. This is
the crucial point in the rhythm. Previously the rhythm forced us to dance,
now we can choose whether or not
to dance. But a problem occurs at this point which is momentous for the
possibility of continuing our development with that particular mate. We can
no longer hear the compelling music. In fact, the music of sexual and
romantic love have ceased. Now comes the choice and one of the true
challenges of loving for couples. Can the couple begin to hear the dim
strains of a higher, more delicate, and infinitely finer music? Can they make
a genuine commitment to the development of that particular mate and through
that commitment allow the sweet rhythms of mature love to flow in and through
them, towards each other? Can they consciously recreate what was unconscious
before? Janet and
I went through, and beyond, that decision last summer. We like to think of
the process as a lifetime collaboration with the Angels. The phase of unaware
loving can be thought of as a wonderful gift from the Angels. It is an
intense period of unbelievable sexual ecstasy and romance. It is almost
effortless because it is being sustained through Angelic gifts built into our
physical bodies. But we eventually use up the Angelic gifts and are left on
our own. Then it is our turn to contribute to the collaboration. We must use
our minds to consciously take up the task and effort of loving. If we can do
so, we begin the phase of aware loving and the Angels’ gifts are rewarded.
Oar challenge is to recreate every bit of the intensity of the unaware phase
and then to move beyond. It is through meeting that challenge that we become
more fully human. ∆ |
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