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Volume I, No. 9 THE LITTLE THINGS THE LITTLE CHEF Adam is a blond-haired
seventeen-month-old with inquiring eyes and an expressive face. Lost in the
joy of the moment, he dashes through the living room using his feet to
dribble a seven-inch ball. As he maneuvers around the corner into the dining
room, a distraction in the kitchen causes him to stop. His mother, Carolyn,
is preparing to make spaghetti sauce and that’s a project Adam’s not about to
miss. Carolyn readies him with a full-length bib, and he climbs upon a
step-stool to accept his role as chef. Zealously, he
hand-squeezes the tomatoes while Carolyn browns some ground beef. Carolyn
expresses her appreciation at Adam’s efforts by commenting, you’re helping
Mommy.” Once Adam has “pureed”
the tomatoes, he helps his mother push his stool in front of the stove. Then,
protected from hot splatters by his bib, he adds premeasured spices and
tomatoes to the simmering meat. Absorbed in the
delight of stirring, his enthusiasm is incredibly contagious. It seems
nothing could make him happier — until his father walks in and inspires
Adam’s biggest smile by asking, “What’s for dinner, Adam?” MOMMY’S HELPER Adam has been actively
involved in the routine since he was very tiny. As soon as he was old enough
to grasp and release objects, he was allowed to “help Mourn? by dropping
soaks into the washing machine. Later he was able to move the dirty clothes
from the hamper to the wash basket. Now he removes all 0±’ the clothes from the
laundry basket and loads them in the washer, even adding the premeasured
detergent. Adam is also the
official plant waterer, a job which he’s had since he was eight months old.
His watering cup is so tiny that it takes five refills to water one plant, but
he has fun with the process and hasn’t drowned a plant yet! This interest in
horticulture was similarly developed at an early age. When Adam was an
infant, Carolyn, carried him on her hip as she watered the plants. She told
him the name of each plant as “they” watered it, as well as showing him
printed words relating to what they were doing. Having enjoyed looking at
word cards since he was two weeks old, Adam liked seeing his interests
printed on cards. After showing Adam
many words on individual cards, Carolyn started writing phrases using words
Adam had already seen. When she first wrote the phrase “Let’s water the
plants,” she told Adam what it said and put the card away. The second time
she pulled out the phrase, Adam ran to get his watering can before she even
had time to tell him what the card said! That was a pretty exciting day! They do caution that
such responses from little ones are often inconsistent, though, and that it’s
best just to accept them when they happen. Trying to force a young child to
prove what he knows through constant testing can bore or frustrate the child,
and take all of the joy out of learning. A WORLD OF TREASURES Although Bert and
Carolyn have invested money in children’s books, cassette tapes, bits and
cards for teaching words and numbers, many of their purchases have consisted
of easily acquired household items. Each room in the house has a container
filled with common and inexpensive learning tools. For instance, a
dishpan in the bathroom contains bottles with screw-on lids, wooden spoons,
stainless steel measuring cups, a natural sponge, a rubber duck and a wind-up
seal that swims. Adam chooses several items before he gets in the bathtub,
naturally limiting the number of items. The bathtub, incidentally, is also
Adam’s art activity area, and aids cleanup after projects such as
finger-painting. A hand-woven basket in
Bert and Carolyn’s bedroom is filled with blocks, balls, dolls, little toys
and soft objects. Next to this is a dresser which displays two small boxes
called the “treasure chests.” Adam has to ask his parents to hand these to
him. Whenever Adam reaches
for something on the dresser, his parents distract him with these treasured
boxes. Locks, poker chips, chains, costume jewelry and smaller boxes
constitute the valuables, which for Adam are very special. An attractive basket
in the dining room holds bottles, lids and clothespins. Adam likes to listen
to the sound he makes by shaking the clothespins in the bottles. Since he
finds it difficult to pour the clothespins out, his mother gives him dried
beans to practice pouring. A corner cabinet in
the kitchen houses “Adam’s pots and pans,” a collection of cookware reserved
for camping trips and imaginary cooking sessions. Adam moves this cooking gear
into the living room whenever he’s in the mood to play gourmet. He tosses
plastic letters into the pots and makes one of his favorite creations,
alphabet soup. Sparing no gesture, he lifts his wooden spoon toward his
father’s nose, encouraging him to smell the delectable soup he’s “cooking.” Two shelves of the
living room bookcase also indicate Adam’s presence in the home. Anything of
recent interest to Adam is kept there within his reach, and an adhesive
nametag labels the place for each object. When Adam requests that his parents
read to him, he chooses a book from one of these shelves and brings it to
them. THE BALANCE While Bert and Carolyn
enjoy responding to Adam’s dependencies with lots of cuddling and kisses,
they also help him develop independence by allowing him to do things for
himself. When Adam requests something that he might well enjoy getting
himself, Bert and Carolyn tell him how to find it; “Your blue ball is beside
the jade plant in the living room. Would you please bring it to us?” In following these
directions, Adam tests his understanding of his expanding vocabulary. This
reinforces his recognition of the names of household items, as well as
develops his understanding of concepts such as under, over, beside, on top
of, beneath and around. TIME WITH DAD When Bert gets home
from work, Carolyn tells him about her day with Adam, then Bert spends some
time with him. When Adam was very tiny, Bert used to entertain him by making
all of the basic sounds in English and foreign languages. (Bert has a
linguistics background.) Now it’s more common
for Bert and Adam to go to the park to practice jumping. Although there is a
balance beam in Adam’s room, they enjoy walking to the perk when the
weather’s inviting. Bert will join Adam in standing on a beam as be says,
“Ready?” At this, he and Adam bend their knees. Then Bert says, “Jump!” and
jumps off the beam. Adam follows by saying, “Yump!” and steps off the beam.
This fun is repeated many times before they head home to share a bath. At home, Adam helps
Bert empty the household trash. (Adam started emptying trash cans when he was
about nine months old.) He carries the little baskets from the bedrooms into
the kitchen and empties the trash into the bigger garbage bag. Then be
returns the little baskets to their proper places. Bert and Carolyn let Adam
help with any trash which they don’t mind having spilled, allowing Adam the
pleasure of helping with “one of Daddy’s jobs.” This lifestyle
illustrates that many rich educational experiences can be created without
costly equipment. This isn’t to deny the value of commercial learning tools,
but to serve as a reminder to make better use of what we have. Children enjoy
the useful things in life as much as a shiny toy. They have a great
appreciation of the wonders of life, and the simple things bring them much
joy. Basic Principles ● PART THREE ● THE RELATION BETWEEN DEPENDENCE
AND DEVELOPMENT Ideally, during the first several years of life any
separations of a child from his mother are initiated and ended by the child. Practically, there can be situations in which even the
most warmly dependable mother may have to separate herself from her young
child for a short time. If these occur, there are several steps she can take to
minimize any ill effects of the separation on her child. Significantly, the optimal conditions for such a
(mother-caused) separation are the same conditions that foster strong
attachment IDEALLY, … Let’s say that a
certain (ideal) husband and wife are new parents of a baby son. They have
studied child development. They understand that the quality of their child’s
early dependence on his mother is his first, deepest definition of what the
world is like and what part he plays in it. They decide to arrange their
lives for the next six years so that at least one of them is always available
to their child, the wife almost continuously during the nursing year(s), the
husband as frequently as possible from birth on. They simplify their
lives by understanding that everyday routines now take twice as long.
Interestingly, they may go out as much now as before becoming parents, but
with their son, a different attitude, and a different tempo. Now they are
always orienting their child to what’s going on around him, giving him time
and means to explore, teaching behavior appropriate to differing situations,
letting him learn first about new people and new places from the safety of
their presence. They remain available
for him to be dependent on as long as he needs to be. They don’t prolong
these years, they just make them secure. ... THE CHILD LEAVES THE PARENTS AS HE IS READY. At a few months old
their son stretches and pulls his body away from his mother’s, wanting to see
more, knowing she’ll hold him safely. In a few more months that same child is
creeping and then walking away, a few feet, a few yards, then dashing back to
make sure she’s where he left her. Between 18 and 36 months
checking-in-on-Mommy moments may become less frequent and briefer. As he
finds she’s always there when he checks, he may need fewer checks. By around the third
birthday, a child — especially one whose relationship with his mother has
been very harmonious and very dependable — has developed the ability to
imagine his mother even when she’s not physically present, to mentally carry
her around with him so effectively that her physical absence for a few hours,
under optimal conditions, may not create distress. From about three to
six years old this ability to image an internal mother is tested. When
parents continue to allow their child freedom but remain warmly present when
needed, the ability is strengthened and extended. By six or seven the child
of these ideal parents is a self-reliant, competent individual. He has
emerged from what Gilbert Kliman (in Responsible Parenthood) calls
“the six-year pregnancy.” PRACTICALLY, … That’s the ideal. In
current Western culture, however, there are few if any ideal parents —
although there are many exceptional ones. Very few of us have decided, yet,
to rearrange our lives so that one parent is always available to our child
throughout the first six years. Many of us leave our child for short periods
during those years, not always waiting for his readiness to be apart.
Sometimes we ask not whether to leave our children but how, not what’s ideal
but what’s optimal for who and where we are right now. … THERE ARE OPTIMAL CONDITIONS FOR PARENT-CHILD
SEPARATIONS. Significantly, the
answer is to create for our children the conditions under which they can form
an attachment to the person taking care of them while we are away. That is,
if we love them, we set up the situation in which they can more easily learn
to love and feel loved by someone else. We find one caretaker who
is familiar to our child, a warm nurturing person who capably fills the
mothering function and provides an abundance of stimulation. Finding
interesting, active things for a child to do is the old babysitter’s ploy;
keep the child so happily occupied that he doesn’t have time to think of
absent parents. It is a kind ploy, and it works. It also helps a child
develop an attachment to the person stimulating or teaching him. In The Growth
of Sociability, H. R. Schaffer reports that mothers who give their children
a great deal of attention have a closer bond with them than do mothers who
interact with their children only when giving routine care~ He also found
that infants who had rather unstimulating mothers and very attentive fathers
were more attached to the father than to the mother, with whom they spent
more time! Having a single, dependable caretaker who warmly stimulates our
child may be the essential factor in optimal separations. There are additional
factors, though, that are important. Keeping the child in familiar
surroundings can be helpful, as can having brothers or sisters with him. The
presence of even a very young sibling can help relieve the anxiety of a
stressful separation. And recent research shows that two-year-olds who have
to be away from their mothers for a while seem to experience less stress if
they have a picture and/or vocal recording of their mother. Other research shows
that attachment is strongest to mothers who respond whenever their infant
cries. Presumably this holds true for anyone else who cares for your child.
In fact, just being very sensitive to a baby’s signals and responding to him
as an individual can foster attachment. Much of this, of
course, is just common sense to many parents, and even, for some, is common
practice. In the days of extended families with live—in grandparents, these
optimal conditions for separations were often naturally available if needed.
Often now they are available only with great forethought and creativity by
parents; so it is interesting to observe the increasing numbers of these
thoughtful, creative parents who have decided to settle for nothing less.
They are couples who see separation from his parents as a serious event in
their young child’s life; who are learning to value and encourage the
parenting, nurturing parts of themselves; who find that becoming thoroughly
dependable parents not only serves their child’s highest promise but can be
used to greatly enrich and deepen their own growth as well. J.C. TO MOTHER IS TO TEACH DEAR NANCY, (Below is part of a
letter from reader Nancy of Wisconsin, with part of my reply. I thought the
exchange on teaching phonics and the alphabet might be of interest to many of
you.) ________________ Dear Kelly, I see in a few of the
articles your mothers (at Stelle) start phonics and alphabet teaching early —
6 to 9 months was recommended in one article. At my training at the
BBI* they said phonics is one of the rules kids will intuit. And on a
personal level, I’ve seen this happen with a friend’s child (at 3 yrs. old).
They (BBl) also say knowing the alphabet can actually be an obstacle to
teaching reading, since the kids may look for letters rather than words. I guess what I want to
know is do you have some information I don’t know about or have I
misunderstood something here. I sort of feel like why teach them something
they will intuit and understand so beautifully on their own. Thanks for any
clarification you could give me. Sincerely, ________________ Dear Nancy, Thank you for your
letter to Parenting for Excellence. We encourage our
parents to teach their babies the alphabet so the children will be able to
alphabetize — find words in the dictionary, look up numbers in the phone
book, etc. That’s a survival skill in this culture, and it’s based on
memorization, which is easiest for very young children. Learning the alphabet
has no necessary connection with learning to read as far as we can tell. It is important to
know, though, for learning how to write, since words have to be written a
letter at a time. We suggest that mothers gently hold their babies’ fingers
and trace the letters in a tray of cornmeal, giving children the “muscle
memory” of each letter, and so facilitating writing. While doing the tracing,
the adult would, of course, be telling the child the name of each letter. At the same time, when
paging through alphabet books, mothers could tell their young children the sounds
of the letters. Just as children enjoy learning that a pig can make the sound
“oink,” they like knowing that a C can make the sounds “k” or “s”. That’s
just another “bit of intelligence” for the child that can be helpful in
spelling, pronunciation of new words, and in conversations with young friends
who learned to read later in life (five or six or so) by using phonics. We
agree that most young readers will intuit most of the rules of phonics and
that it’s not necessary for them to know phonics to be good readers or
spellers. We have found that a knowledge of phonics is helpful to some children,
appealing to some more than others. It seems fair to us to give all our
children the information — along with all the other information we give them
— to be sure they have it clearly and completely. You also mentioned the
idea that learning the alphabet could be an obstacle to tiny readers, causing
them to look at individual letters rather than the whole word. That seems
logical — especially if the mother teaching them the alphabet thinks she is
teaching reading — but so far. I haven’t observed that result in the children
here. They learn reading, and talking, and the alphabet, and phonics, and
writing, and it appears that all those aspects of language reinforce and
build on each other. Thanks, Sincerely, Joanna * The Better Baby Institute of
Philadelphia. PARENTING FOR EXCELLENCE — Volume I, No. 9 —
December 1981 Parenting
for Excellence is published ten times per year by The Stelle
Group. Subscriptions are sold by the volume, with volumes beginning in
January. Subscription rates are $15 for one year, and queries about
subscriptions and delivery should be sent to The Stelle Group, |
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