Lovingly Assist

 

All adults will be required to assist lovingly in the proper guidance of all children as the opportunities arise.

Dr. White

 

(Editor’s note: We assume our readers understand that Stelle is committed to the development of strong, stable family units. The following article is offered within this context.)

 

     You’re new to Stelle. (Oh, it’s your real home, the one you were coming to before you were born; but to a part of you it’s new right now.)

     As soon as you arrived, the children noticed you. One by one, during your first few weeks here, they make contact with you—sometimes only visually—and they get a feeling for what you are like. That first impression is probably subtle, probably not articulated. Your subse­quent interactions with each child will modify, confirm, and enrich that initial sensing of who you are, but you have already influenced the children just by being here.

     You realize—or remember—that one of the many responsibilities you assume when you come to Stelle is, “to assist lovingly in the proper guidance of all children as the oppor­tunities arise.” At some point in your growth here, the full force of it strikes you:

 

All the children? Me? What does “proper” guidance mean? What opportunities? I wouldn’t know what to do. What if I did something the parents didn’t like? Of course I’d relate to the children lovingly, if they’d let me. But what does that mean really?

 

     And for a time, while you’re feeling the full impact of the responsibility, it seems a lot to ask of yourself. You don’t feel ready.

     Maybe you’re not—not ready to relate to all of the children here, properly and lovingly and wisely, all the time. Who among us is? You’re ready to learn how, though; ready to take the next steps, whatever they may be for you. You know that because you’re here.

     As you take your own next steps, we ask that you try on some of the ideas and examples offered to you here. We share them with you, lovingly, to assist you in wisely guiding our children, who are the children of all of us.

 

1.  You are a minor for each child here. In the way you relate to him, he sees himself. Do you treat him as someone special, someone worth spending time with, someone whose thoughts and feelings are to be taken seriously? If you do, then he sees himself as special, as worth­while. You contribute to the building of his self-esteem.

 

     You’re walking to the office to get your mail. A three-year-old kneeling on the grass says, “Look at this,” as you’re about to walk by. You stop, kneel down, and look with him. It’s a weed, a rock, a caterpillar. When you have really looked—perhaps in silence with him for a few moments—you find a way to share more fully with him the wonder, the newness. One good way is to describe what you both have seen. “It’s a long, fat, green caterpillar with a black stripe down its back and little round pads to crawl on   “ If you describe in detail, you may be helping him see more of the caterpillar than he had seen before; you also may be increasing and refining his vocabulary; you are certainly communicating to him that you have really seen what he asked you to look at. You have taken him seriously.

 

2.  You can share a joke with a five-month-old. Laughing with a child of any age is a warm, intimate experience. Laughing at him puts a gulf between the two of you that may take weeks or longer to bridge. Children forgive and seem to forget easily, but being patronized by, condescended to, or unintentionally amusing to an adult communicates to a child in a subtle but powerful way that he is not good enough. He builds a small wall about himself. Proper guidance involves strengthening the bridges of good energy that flow naturally between two Egos. Causing a child to wear masks or build walls is creating work for him to do which must be undone later, before he can use his full potential for loving.

 

     You are at the Christmas program. A beautiful five-year-old in curls and ruffles walks in front of the audience to recite the Bible verse she has memorized. She giggles just a bit, from nervousness, as she situates herself in front of the microphone and begins to recite. You feel an inclination to smile or even laugh quietly at her—at her cuteness and little girl­ishness, at her serious concentration and her charming, lilting voice saying such significant phrases. Several other persons in the audience are smiling or laughing to themselves, and you almost join them; but you catch yourself. You remember that she is, like you, an Ego, using all her courage to do what is, for her stage of growth, a difficult job. You realize, too, that the charming recitation is, to her, a matter of seriousness, involving her view of herself as competent and as a contributor to the com­munity. You choose to look at her quietly, listen to her clearly, to accept her offering as the special gift that it is. Your thoughtfulness and empathy help her maintain the self-respect and dignity she was born with. You have taken a step away from the too-easy condescension toward children which Is dominant in the current culture; a step into the finer realm of empathy and genuine respect between Egos of all ages.

 

3.  Each of us is a teacher to all of our children. We teach self-respect and virtue by example and interaction. We also teach information about the physical plane, which we are all to master. Rudely correcting a child’s misuse of words or ignorance of facts is unkind and detrimental to the child; so is ignoring the mistake. Correcting it gently, politely, matter­ of factly is a kindness. Think of yourself as having emigrated to a land whose customs are totally new to you. Your effectiveness as a member of that new culture depends on your learning as much as you can about it. People unconcerned about your welfare may smile at your mistakes, may even find your incompe­tence charming. Real friends help you achieve your goal of effective citizenship by supplying you with all the information you can assimilate.

 

     A two-year-old says, “I catched the ball. “or points to a pickup truck and calls it a dump truck. You might say, “You caught the ball really well. Let’s see if you catch it this time the way you caught it last time.” Exposing the child to the correct word is all you need to do. Or, concerning the truck, you might say, “That looks a lot like a dump truck, doesn’t it? It’s really called a pick-up truck. I guess that’s because farmers use trucks like that to pick up loads on the farm. Let’s see if we can find some more trucks and decide whether they are dump trucks or pick-up trucks.” When new information is offered from one friend to another, it is usually accepted readily.

 

4.  Some day a child may see you working and ask to help. The chances are good that, if he helps, your work will go more slowly for a while. The chances are good, also, that he will, after a time, either find some small way to be truly helpful or satisfy his curiosity about your job and go on to some other activity. If you can spare even a few minutes, please let him help you. Helping is his way of learning to be an adult, of interacting with the physical world, of satisfying his impelling curiosity, and of learning that he, too, can be useful.

 

     You are helping someone move into a new house in Stelle. A five-year-old comes by and watches for a while. Then he starts moving a box, trying to help. (Generally his parents will be on hand to supervise, but in some circum­stances it will be helpful if you “adopt” him for a while.) You ask, “It looks as if you’re ready to help us with the moving; would you like to work too?” When he says, “Yes,” you find small items or boxes he can lift or push. When he wants to inspect the inside of the van, you go in with him, explaining a bit about how the packer decided where to put each item. You suggest that he go get his wagon to move boxes from the van to the porch—and when he returns with it, you help him load heavy boxes into it After about an hour or less, he has investigated the whole operation and leaves. In all, you have spent around 20 minutes with him. He slowed you down; you speeded him up. Understanding why that’s a good trade for you is part of knowing how to assist lovingly!

 

5.  Becoming a mature adult involves learning the appropriate behavior in many different situations. We help our children by teaching them the parameters of behavior for every activity they encounter.

 

     A four-year-old girl comes to your house for a visit—with or without her parents. If it’s a first visit, your house will be to her a wonder­land of new things to see, smell, hear, maybe even taste, but most certainly to touch and explore. It’s your house; it’s your job to explain which explorations are acceptable and which aren’t. Parents will require their own standards of behavior from their child, and may guess at yours, but neither parent or child can know your expectations until you explain them.

     “That little box is very delicate and very special to me, so I’m going to hold it for you while you feel it. When you finish exploring this, I’ll put it up and get down three little wooden statues that you may hold for yourself”

     That sort of communication takes longer than a quick, “Don’t touch!”, but it’s much more effective and respectful; more effective and respectful too than staying silent but being tense and resentful about the child’s presence.

 

6.  Children are designed to absorb everything in their environment. Children whose intelligence has been stimulated, whose emotions have been respected, and whose acute senses have received abundant exercise, soak up even more from their environment than “average” children do. (And information on scientific studies of how much average children absorb has left Stelle’s adults amazed, excited, even unbelieving!) What we put into the environment of our children has much more impact on them than it does on any of us.

 

     At a Stelle picnic, you are talking to a friend, when you become aware that two children, picking clover nearby, are within hearing range of your conversation. Speaking about experi­ences you’d had before coming to Stelle, you had started using exaggeration, slang, and coarseness in your speech. Aware of the children, you become aware of your communication. You change the thought, “I hated it!” to the words, “I really didn’t like it.” or, “It was crazy!” to, “It was exciting, but confused.” or, “I’d never go back there in a million years!” to, “I’m not going to go back there.” The editing took a little effort from you. It gave a model for clarity, precision, and fineness to the children nearby, whose brains took in every word.

 

7.  Our bodies are designed to be healthy; illness is an unnecessary part of life; we are the cause of harmony or disharmony within our bodies.

     Our sexuality is a healthy, important part of us. The beginning of it is happy birthing, relaxed breastfeeding, and lots of cuddling and closeness. When you’re four, baths with your friends and an unembarrassed, “Wait for me a minute, I’ve got to go urinate!” take the place of “playing doctor” and giggling about body functions. It all leads to harmony with your body and your feelings; which leads to har­mony with others; which leads to a deeper experiencing with your spouse of your bodies, minds, and feelings; which leads to happy birth­ing and relaxed breastfeeding—and the spiral goes around again, enriched.

     Our feelings are a good part of us; it’s all right to have all of our feelings. We can be aware of them, talk about them, own them, and decide whether and how to act on them. “feeling tense/embarrassed right now” can take the place of strained laughter; “I feel afraid/angry” can take the place of, “You’re mean!”; and, hardest of all, “I feel really close to you” can take the place of teasing and game playing.

     For most (all?) of the adults in Stelle, mani­festing these attitudes takes work. Because we have begun that work, the children have begun acquiring these attitudes. We ask you to get in on the work and the fun, especially where the children are concerned.

 

     You find yourself taking care of a three-year old and a four-year-old for an afternoon. You spend time with them for a while, then go to another room to do some work, leaving them to play together Checking in on them later, you find them both with their clothes oft and you, matter-of-factly, ask what they’re doing. They say they’re “playing doctor.” You sit down and explain, “When people play doctor, usually someone has to pretend to be sick. Now, that’s not a good idea, because you’re pretending something that doesn’t help your body. It’s better to pretend things that you really want to happen. Maybe one thing you’re doing is finding out about each others’ bodies, seeing how they’re alike and how they’re differ­ent. That’s fine to do if you want to. Each person’s body is special and just right for him or her. Will you agree to stop playing doctor and instead play, ‘learning about bodies’?”

 

     Can you catch the spirit of that? If you can, the children can. If you can’t yet—it sounds good, but it doesn’t feel right at all—it might be better to say something more congruent with your feelings. The children will “hear” your feelings no matter what the words say, and double messages usually don’t get the results you want. If you have an appreciation for the direction we’re taking, and are aware of early influences on your attitudes toward health, sexuality, and feelings, you’ll come up with your own good words.

 

8. Some days you’ll relate to the children with just the right touch; they will be charmed by you and delightfully cooperative. Sometimes they’ll cooperate even when you don’t relate very well to them. There may be some mo­ments, too, when they will not see things your way, and are not at all delightful to be with, or when they are misbehaving and you are the only one around to firmly stop or redirect their behavior. At times like this, it may help to remember that there is a level of reality at which they are very much your children too.

 

     A clear statement from you may be enough:

“Throwing snowballs is acceptable only with mutual consent, and I don’t consent right now.”

     Occasionally a call or note to the parents is the best approach: “This afternoon John came by my window being so noisy that he woke me up. When I got up to go talk to him about it, he had gone. Would you please tell him that the noise bothers me and help him figure out a way to be quieter?”

     Often an honest “I message”—a statement of what you’re feeling about the situation— coupled with a request for change is most effective: “When you call me that name, I feel angry at you and also sad that you might not like me. Will you please stop calling me a name and just talk with me about what you’re feeling?”

     Sometimes a child’s misbehavior leads to certain natural or logical consequences which you can point out to him: “If you pick up pebbles and throw them in the grass, it will be your job to go find all of them and put them back. It might take a lot of your playing time to find them all. A wiser decision might be to feel the pebbles and then put them right back where you got them.”

     Sometimes, though, you won’t be able to elicit the child’s self-discipline, and the fact that you are physically bigger than he is will be important. If in a situation in which you’re responsible for him, a child is noisy at a group gathering and won’t be quiet when you ask, you cam pick him up and take him out of hearing range of the group, then discuss the problem with him. Obviously, if he’s doing something dangerous, removing him from the danger quickly comes first; talking comes later. Or, if he is hitting you or another child or an animal, and reason has no appeal, you may have to firmly hold his hands still until he calms down and can talk about his feelings.

     They are strong Egos, these children of ours. Giving them proper guidance calls upon our love and our devotion. It also draws deeply upon the clarity of our vision—our ability to see that giving children the habit of wise, self­-disciplined, kind, kind behavior is a precious gift which manifests the quality of our love for them.

 

     ‘More ideas? ‘More examples? We have lots of them. These should be enough, though, for a beginning.

     When astronauts are trained to go to the moon, they spend months of preparation in situations made to simulate as closely as pos­sible the conditions they will experience on the moon. To the degree that their training is authentic and excellent, to that degree will they be effective in their mission on the moon.

     To prepare our children to go to the Nation of God, we must simulate conditions there as closely as possible. To do this requires the alert and committed cooperation of all of us.

     “All adults will be required to assist lovingly in the proper guidance of all children as the opportunities arise.” Someone new to Stelle once heard that sentence, as if for the first time, and said, “‘Required? That’s an awfully strong word. Shouldn’t it be, ‘expected’? ‘Required by whom?”

     No, it’s “required” all right, required by the reality of the task which we have so audaciously, tremblingly, joyfully volunteered to complete—the task for which we seem so unready, but which we have, somehow, earned the rare, high privilege to undertake.

 

 

 

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