The Education Department

 

The High Price of Obedience by Linda

 

     We were recently introduced by Kamisha Langsdale, a Stelle mother, to the very interesting work of European psychoanalyst, Alice Miller. Miller is just now becoming popular in America, as evidenced by a profile on her in a recent edition of “New Age Magazine.” Miller’s books, which include For Your Own Good, The Drama of the Gifted Child, and Thou Shall Not Be Aware, make a number of important points, including:

·        Violence in childrearing (spanking and even abuse) have been widely socially accepted for many years. Miller quotes from books which exemplify what she calls “poisonous pedagogy,” which advise parents to establish early the habit of unquestioning obedience in their children by requiring them to run errands and do tasks for the parents, teach children “self-control” by denying them food when they ask for it, and tell parents not to offer children reasons for appropriate behavior, but rather emphasize the importance of following rules.

·        Violent childrearing runs a wide gamut, including not only spanking and abuse, but also “lording it over” children by eating food that they are denied in front of them, and other things which humiliate the child or make him feel inferior.

·        Children who were raised in such ways (which includes most of us) generally repress the feelings of rage or shame this treatment produces. They tend to feel that they had “happy childhoods.” In remembering negative childhood experiences, they tend to identify with their parents’ viewpoint, seeing the child they were as disobedient or deserving of humiliation. Miller notes that many gifted, sensitive people “recount their earliest memories without sympathy for the child they once were …

     In general there is a complete absence of real emotional understanding or serious appreciation of their own childhood vicissitudes, and no conception of their true needs.” This is characteristic of people who are “harder on themselves than anyone else is.” Miller feels that people need to recognize the wrongs that were done to them as children, and feel the feelings that these practices engendered. Only then can they live fully.

 

 

MANY GIFTED, SENSITIVE

PEOPLE “RECOUNT THEIR

EARLIEST MEMORIES WITHOUT

SYMPATHY FOR THE

CHILD THEY ONCE WERE.”

 

      I found this of particular interest because so many of us who are attracted to The Stelle Group fit at least some aspects of this model. Many of us are quite hard on ourselves, expect ourselves to be perfect, and find it difficult to forgive ourselves for mistakes. Can it be that our culture’s childrearing practices have contributed to a pattern of “putting ourselves down” throughout life?

·        When people don’t recognize the negative aspects of the way they were reared, they work out the issues by repeating them with their own children. For example, a child who was frequently spanked may recapitulate this as an adult with his own child. (Note: if a person becomes aware of these patterns, and, seeks to resolve them in other ways, he need not repeat them.)

·        Miller also makes the point Richard Kieninger has emphasized: that training children to unquestioning obedience, and using spanking as a disciplinary method, creates a populace which is easily commanded by dictators.

      There’s a lot of fascinating material in Miller’s work; although she does focus on the “darker side” of childhood. I do recommend her for anyone who felt they were treated harshly as a child, or for anyone who had a happy childhood, but finds themselves treating their children harshly. It’s particularly nice to see a “humanizing” trend in psychoanalysis. Let’s hope Miller’s popularity grows. ∆

 

 

 

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