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The
Education Department The High Price of Obedience by
Linda We were recently introduced by Kamisha Langsdale, a Stelle mother, to the very interesting work
of European psychoanalyst, Alice Miller. Miller is just now becoming
popular in ·
Violence in childrearing (spanking and even abuse) have been widely socially accepted for many years. Miller quotes from books which exemplify what she calls
“poisonous pedagogy,” which advise parents to establish early the habit of
unquestioning obedience in their children by requiring them to run errands
and do tasks for the parents, teach children “self-control” by denying them
food when they ask for it, and tell parents not to offer children reasons for
appropriate behavior, but rather emphasize the importance of following rules. ·
Violent childrearing runs a wide gamut, including not only
spanking and abuse, but also “lording it over” children by eating food that
they are denied in front of them, and other things which
humiliate the child or make him feel inferior. ·
Children who were raised in such ways (which includes most
of us) generally repress the feelings of rage or shame this treatment
produces. They tend to feel that they had “happy childhoods.” In remembering
negative childhood experiences, they tend to identify with their parents’
viewpoint, seeing the child they were as disobedient or deserving of
humiliation. Miller notes that many gifted, sensitive people “recount their
earliest memories without sympathy for the child they once were … In
general there is a complete absence of real emotional understanding or
serious appreciation of their own childhood
vicissitudes, and no conception of their true needs.” This is characteristic
of people who are “harder on themselves than anyone else is.” Miller feels
that people need to recognize the wrongs that were done
to them as children, and feel the feelings that these practices engendered.
Only then can they live fully. MANY GIFTED, SENSITIVE PEOPLE “RECOUNT THEIR EARLIEST MEMORIES
WITHOUT SYMPATHY FOR THE CHILD THEY ONCE WERE.”
I
found this of particular interest because so many of us who are attracted to
The Stelle Group fit at least some aspects of this model. Many of us are
quite hard on ourselves, expect ourselves to be perfect, and find it
difficult to forgive ourselves for mistakes. Can it be that our culture’s
childrearing practices have contributed to a pattern of “putting ourselves
down” throughout life? ·
When people don’t recognize the
negative aspects of the way they were reared, they work out the issues by repeating
them with their own children. For example, a child who was
frequently spanked may recapitulate this as an adult with his own
child. (Note: if a person becomes aware of these patterns, and, seeks to
resolve them in other ways, he need not repeat them.) ·
Miller also makes the point Richard Kieninger has
emphasized: that training children to unquestioning obedience, and using
spanking as a disciplinary method, creates a populace which
is easily commanded by dictators. There’s a lot of fascinating material in Miller’s work; although
she does focus on the “darker side” of childhood. I do recommend her for
anyone who felt they were treated harshly as a
child, or for anyone who had a happy childhood, but finds themselves treating
their children harshly. It’s particularly nice to
see a “humanizing” trend in psychoanalysis. Let’s hope
Miller’s popularity grows. ∆ |
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